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Posts Tagged ‘bag lady’

Warning: Salty language and adult themes. Or adult language and salty themes. You decide.

Last week it was bees and beekeepers. Today, something less, um, politically correct; or at least less noble.

Here it is, my newest purse:

It’s a beauty, isn’t it? It’s orange, as you can see. Orange is not generally my favorite color.

That’s another thing I love. Color. Colors. Almost all of them. I love looking over paint chips at the hardware store. I even save paint chips just for the color. I have been known to save a photo from a magazine just for the color on a wall or bedspread. I love looking at yarn at the yarn store. I hate knitting, but oh my god, those colors. So yummy. I don’t have a great memory for many things, but I do have an amazing ability to recall colors in my mind. That and I can remember names pretty well and if I don’t remember your name, I probably remember some strange, minute detail about your life. It may be very personal, like your cat died when you were 7 and in the bathtub at your grandma’s house or you and your older brother shared a room in the attic but now he’s got esophageal cancer. Stuff like that. Because I tend to ask a lot of questions when I meet someone; personal, homey questions.

Anyway, back to my purse. I am not normally attracted to orange things. I can’t really wear the color, though I did buy a fabulous v-neck, cotton shirt at Old Navy in a sort of deep tangerine last year. It almost matches my purse which means if I wear them at the same time I look like a real lunatic. Except that the orange shirt looks fabulous on me which sort of saves me from looking too crazy. I have a decent enough decolletage, and I have taken to wearing v-necks almost exclusively as I advance into middle age. Shit!

The purse has amazing fabric inside. A sort of cotton twill that’s covered in a lovely floral pattern. The purse was made in the USA. Yes. It was not made in China! But it seems Italian. The soft, buttery leather, thin but strong, with a mild crinkly texture. It’s delicious!

I love the sound of people speaking Italian.

But that’s not all about the purse. I got this purse on clearance at Marshall’s for 39 bucks. It’s huge. It holds everything. I can even use it as a temporary shopping bag for little purchases from the dime store (okay, from AJ Hastings, but they do have candy that’s less than 10 cents a piece) and if I don’t have enough bags with me when I am at the grocery store, I can throw a couple of Granny Smiths and a half-and-half in there, too.

You know what Freud said about a woman’s purse, right? Well, I’m sure I don’t really know. Maybe it’s just hearsay. But you could fit a helluva lot of sex toys in this thing. You really could. Are you listening, EOB? Orange silicone ones, purple latex ones. Blue. Stainless steel. Glass. WHATEVER you love.

There is something even more amazing about this purse. Something hidden even from me for over two months of owning it. IT HAS A SECRET POCKET! The coolest thing? The pocket is on the OUTSIDE of the purse’s huge zippered compartment. That means you don’t have to open the purse to access your secret stash of gum. Or Burt’s Bees lip balm in watermelon. It might even be able to hold a pocket vibe. Get it? Pocket, pocket vibe. Funny. As I’ve mentioned, it does hold my CHEWING GUM! Right now, there’s some Teaberry in there and the last of my Dentyne. Also, some TROPICAL-flavor LIFESAVERS. Remember those? GODDAMN IT, this purse rocks out with its cock out.

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