twinkly’s parenting of teens advice column-vol. 1

Perhaps, like me, you have children of the teenage persuasion. I have two, of the female variety (homo sapiens sapiens teenager femini)

I am happy to report that the following news item appeared in our local weekly paper’s POLICE REPORT yesterday:

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

DISTURBANCES

• 6:59 p.m. — Police kept the peace at a South Amherst home where a teenage boy refused to follow parental instructions to empty the dishwasher.

♦

Well, didn’t I think that was the cat’s pajamas until I was shopping earlier today and witnessed the following scene. This screenplay is based on actual events.

INT. TJ MAXX STORE, HADLEY, MASS – WOMEN’S COATS – A SATURDAY – DAYTIME

MOTHER, approximately 47, slightly disheveled and definitely exhausted in appearance; and DAUGHTER, teenage

MOTHER stands next to daughter in front of coat rack

MOTHER

Don’t tell me what to do. Ever! I’m in charge.

twinkly’s astute, perceptive, and erudite commentary on the screenplay:

While at first it may appear that the character of MOTHER was indeed in charge, upon closer inspection one sees that if in fact she were truly in charge, both in feeling that she was and in the reality of such, she would not have needed to speak at all. The scene would have played very differently.

FIN

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Police Blotter II

When I posted my first bunch of bits from our local weekly paper’s Police Blotter, it was quite a popular read. Mind you, I peruse the Police Blotter every week, but nothing much happens around here. Only a few drunk-driving arrests, violations of noise ordinances, and over-crowded, drunken parties needing attention.

I try to save the odd bit that deserves space on my blog, but the news has been so predictable of late that I haven’t been able to muster a Police Blotter post.

Here’s the bare minimum for now:

Saturday, April 23 Category: What did you do for the environment today?

1:45 am A man walking with a hubcap on Meadow Street told police he discovered it on the ground and was just going to properly dispose of it in celebration of Earth Day.

Friday, April 29 Category: There’s a kink in your alibi, sir

2:09 am A man who was given a courtesy escort inside a police cruiser after allegedly being the victim of an assault was arrested a short time later when police determined he had stolen a pair of handcuffs from inside the vehicle. Police discovered the theft after a woman called for assistance when the man placed the handcuffs on her and then had no way of getting them off.

That’s all folks. I suppose I should be grateful to live in a small and safe town.

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Police Blotter

One of my favorite activities is reading my weekly newspaper’s police blotter.

Each week I can count on a few steady pieces of news: a dozen DUIs (this being a college town), about 95% of which occur after midnight (LESSON: STAY OFF THE ROADS FROM MIDNIGHT TO 4 AM!!!); 2 or 3 drunken brawls that have spilled out of a bar and onto the sidewalk; several excessively loud parties; a mentally-ill, possibly drunk, belligerent man or woman (or 2) who has to be removed from the homeless shelter; also, a bit of shoplifting and a few stolen iPods (often from the drunken parties and bars). As unpleasant as these stories are, with potential deadly results for innocents, they tend to be predictably the same, week after week. What really turns me on are the quirks, turns, and certain, shall we say je ne sais quoi human elements that push a police blotter item into the realm of peculiarity.

Here are the week’s twinkly-worthy items (please note that although location details are provided in the original report, I have omitted them in some cases):

Wednesday, March 9

8:02 pm From the “What the Fuck?” Department

A teenage girl was caught shoplifting a $10 item from the supermarket. When confronted by management, the girl’s mother became argumentative. Both the girl and her mother were issued trespass notices to stay out of the store.

7:55 pm From the book So You Think You Can Farm?

More than a dozen cows were located in the middle of North East Street. The farmer was able to get the animals back into their field. The following day at 5:36 pm, the cows were again seen approaching the road.

Thursday, March 10

12:58 am From Adding Insult to Injury: A Book of Child Rearing

Police kept the peace between a man and a woman who were having an argument over getting a baby to sleep, which caused the infant to cry and disturb the neighbors.

Friday, March 11

7:38 pm From the “Who Me? Waste Your Tax Dollars?” Alliance

A Strong Street resident told police a telemarketer called her home offering a free smoke alarm system.

9:09pm From the “I Will Kick Michael Pollan’s Ass the Next Time I See Him” Guild

Four cows loose in the middle of North East Street were returned to their field by their owner.

Saturday, March 12

9:10 am From the President’s Council on “Writers are Special People”

A woman reported receiving a threatening and harassing email related to an article she wrote for an education publication. Police determined the email sender was just disagreeing with the content of her article and that he didn’t appear to be making a threat.

11:34 pm From the “I Thought ‘Clueless’ Was a Fictional Movie” Club

Police issued a verbal warning to residents playing a loud stereo. The residents agreed to turn it down, though they told police they thought it was OK to turn up the volume on the stereo since their neighbors are all on spring break.

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