Currently, fifty-one. A Cancer, smack dab in the middle of summer. I will always be the mother of my 2 beautiful and amazing daughters. I am married, which is sometimes hard, but which I like very much. I live in New England, but I am not native to the region. I was born in Detroit when it really was the Motor City. First generation American: German mother, Hungarian-Jewish father. I am sober, but drunk on the struggle of being human.
Here are some of my intentions and parameters for my blog, vaguely formed, but somewhere in the back of my mind:
I will not post completely insignificant crap (I know insignificant is relative and that for the most part, it’s all insignificant).
I don’t want my focus to be so narrow that writing becomes a useless habit. However, if I can suss out what is worth my attention around the mundane that may be worth a post. If death is inevitable and beauty is all around us, what are the patterns? How does my experience fit into a greater whole?
I will try not to post links to other information without commentary or additional thoughts. I would likely use Facebook for that. But who knows? I reserve the right to do it here.
I am allowed to be a jerk and I am allowed to make mistakes.
The color on the background of my blog’s dashboard is supposed to be a deep purple-y grey, but when I got my new Mac, it turned much purpler and much less subtle. I can’t really tell what color it is to you. Close your eyes and picture it to match the photo of the rocks and to not have any hint of rainbows and unicorns. It is a beautiful and solemn color and I am going to try to change it right now.
Sometimes the technology sucks. In progress….
In whatever way I can let you know that my writing is my own and that I own it, I’m letting you know. My writing is copyrighted, right here, on my posts, right now, by me, and you are my witness. Give credit where credit is due.
I do not fear words and I do not fear what is revealed when the flesh is stripped away.
Sometimes I tell really big lies, sometimes small ones. I value truth above a lot else in spite of it.
Sometimes I need to use words that are offensive to you. For this I am sorry. I know some of you don’t swear, I know our culture can be harsh and crass and I don’t want to add to this. On the other hand….
I am but a speck in the eye of eternity, but I feel my life and labors intensely. The days flash before us and are gone. We are not meant to catch them and only by grace do we succeed in doing so.
I am the product of white privilege.
I do believe that to be human is to suffer and that the only way to be free from this bondage is to learn compassion. I am a pilgrim and a stranger.
I like the notion of opposites. One cannot have dark without light.
I don’t believe that one should be positive if it is just an opportunity to beat oneself up for not being positive enough. Being positive is the same as being politically correct. It might be the wrong approach because it can lead to lies and self-delusion.
I do not know if I can write about politics or history though I feel strongly about both. I would like to be accurate and I am not sure this is possible. If I write about these things, it really will take me all night.
I do not use emoticons, but I will engage in ironic acts on occasion.
I am tempted to steal ideas and patterns from other blogs I like, but I haven’t yet for fear of boxing myself in and for fear of engaging in the immoral act of stealing.
I think about it, though. So, I have been doing “Music Monday.” What if I do add a photo day, a recipe day, a rant day, a praise day? I would love to do a word day. How many days in the week are there? Perhaps it could be every-other week, or every third Wednesday. I’m too goddamn busy, creative, and original to deal with these fucking restrictions.
Look at me. Sometimes I am beautiful.
Much of this page originally appeared as a post on 3/10/11; updated here on 7/26/11
twinklysparkles 
Oh, you forgot to mention that you were my favorite college roommate. Back then, you loaned me your cool clothes, shared your granola yogurts, and introduced me to the Rolling Stones. (via playing your albums) You always were much smarter than me. I remember you telling me that I shouldn’t marry my first husband, I should have listened to you. You were much more aware of the situation at hand back then then I was.
A touching memory I have with you was when I came to visit you after learning of the death of a good friend of mine. You welcomed me into your house and let me hold your baby girl which gave me hope and filled me with unconditional newborn baby love. That was awesome!
You are one in a million…I can’t wait to read more of your blogs…when you get time next month to get back to them.
Connie, we were tight. I think when you met Hubby #1 I was shut off from you and that was hard. I remember lots of good times and lots of pain. I remember dancing to Elvis Costello especially and seeing Bowie in Cleveland. I remember the dorms and Rhoda B. I am sure I am no smarter than you and what difference does it make anyway? I can’t make diddly squat compared to your crafting and construction talents and gifts. I am sure you could build a house from scratch. Now that’s smart, because words aren’t always very useful.
I am not sure anyone can follow a friend’s advice and most of the time, we probably shouldn’t. We all have to wade in the water to get to the other side.
Yeah, I remember when your friend died. You painted a cupboard for A’s room–she was the baby, V was 2 and a half. We still have the cupboard and it’s still in her room, so you are very present here in many ways. Love love, K
I still have those Bowie photos from the concert. If you want me to share some with you, let me know. I’ll send them off with your next Christmas card. (smile) Seriously though, I still have them and would love to share, just say the word.
I still have those Bowie photos, too. They are high-quality. Did you take them or was there a friend of yours there with some crazy good camera? That’s the part I can’t remember.
I took the crappy pics from the concert. Someone else took the professional looking ones but I don’t really remember the details of how we got them. If memory serves me, a friend worked at the photo lab and saw them come in and made us the copies? 🙂
Hmm….interesting. I just thought your friend took them outright.
I love your blog and I’m humbled that my blog is on your blog roll. I also love that you have thought out your blog, what you’ll write, what you won’t, and the like. I think I need to work on that. You are my new blog hero.
Thanks! I glad you like my blog. It’s a big world of blogging out there and I’m still learning too. Katherine
Hi Katherine
I just found your blog thanks to localocracy. I enjoyed reading through your recent posts, I had no idea you were posting. I look forward to following you and was also so happy to see the Culinary Compass in your side bar. Bes to you while navigating the back to school transition!
Hey, Colleen, thanks for visiting and thanks for reading. I love feedback, so if you ever want to comment, I’m here.
Best to you, too! I hope to see you around soon. I feel like things are already speeding up since school is starting TOMORROW! I’m just learning how to use localocracy, but I haven’t been too active yet.
Hands down, Ms. TwinklySparkles, your “about” is the best I have read. I was captivated (and that is not too strong a word) and uplifted.
I collect rocks that are heart-shaped, so really love your header. Yes, the background color is a tinge purplish but I simply must overlook that because I just bought a new comforter and curtains for the bedroom that were supposed to be gray but have a bit of purple in them. They were supposed to be the color I painted my walls as a teen back under my parents’ roof: thoughtful gray, sophisticated gray, rock gray. So I understand.
Thank you for visiting my blog and for sharing about your cat Willow after reading about my cat Willow. What a good bond to share!
I’m finding a lot of resonance with your blog. I know several people (all females) who collect heart-shaped rocks, but how many are a. sober for 20+ years and b. have a cat named Willow and c. understand color as well as we do? I am sure I’ll find more similarities. On the blogroll you go. Your blog is full of good stuff. Maybe I’ll just start now and keep up. I’d love to be able to go through all of the archives, but you are prolific (like me too). Rock on, Lydia! Thanks for the nice comment, I’m glad you liked my “About” page. Your blog inspires me. twinkly
I just returned to your blog because I wanted to, and was so pleased to see my blog there in your blogroll. I will just start now and keep us, also…while possibly hunting on a post or two about sobriety. I do not write much about it, other than to mark each anniversary which is coming up next month for me-#26. A guy who was in treatment with me and is a Facebook friend send the dearest message on fb last week to commemorate our 26 years, etc.
So, yes, the Willow tie is fantastic and our color wheels are rock solid and the sobriety link is wonderful. So glad you are out there in the big blogosphere. Lydia
I LOVE your idea that being positive could be a reason to beat oneself up for not being positive enough. I know that positive. It’s the “Good start, self, but I should’ve/if only I would’ve” positive. I’m going to keep that in mind and try to embrace my sometimes (okay, much of the time) negative self in an attempt to avoid future self-induced floggings. Thank you for that.
Welcome, Jill! I think I first found you via Amherst Localocracy, but Sue gave me a link to your recent “pedometer” post. As you know, I got a real kick out of it. Hope to meet you around town some time.
We are all so clever at finding ways to beat ourselves up, aren’t we? I recently came across the idea of negative thinking being a habit of the mind, which of course it is. Beating oneself up is a habit and habits, with diligence and good attention, can be broken and replaced with simply being present.
I appreciate your candor and love the subheader: “This time it’s personal.” It takes a lot of courage to write your true feelings and share it with the world. Thanks for the inspiration!
Thanks for stopping by, Jacqueline!
The phrase “this time it’s personal” works on a couple of levels for me. It’s a line that has been over-used in movies, at least I think of it being in movie trailers from the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s…who knows where it ends. So it’s a bit funny to me.
On the other hand, I mean it dead-seriously–my writing and what I say are often the heart of me; at least I try to be honest and bare some things. Even the funny stuff is a deep part of my personality.
Maybe I’m over-explaining, but I appreciate your interest and so would like to respond.
I’ve checked out your blog–very cool and noble. I’m sure you’ll feel great doing what you’re doing. Keep up the good work! twinkly
Hello. I’ve just discovered your blog, and I like what I see. I feel a kinship, but I’ll admit to being a poor blog buddy, as I read but often fail to comment. So–apologies in advance, and thanks for letting me skulk around.
Karen, thanks for stopping by, and here you are, commenting. I know blogging can be a time-sucker. I’m glad to know you’ve been poking around. I love comments and feedback, but it’s all gravy–just knowing you like things enough to keep reading is great. I like your writing, too, but I haven’t gotten very far. I will keep visiting when I can. If only we could all live pressure-free lives. But maybe we would just float away and our bones would come apart.
hey, i hate emoticons too!!! well, i guess you didn’t say that you hated them, but i will assume because they are horrible that you do indeed hate them! thanks for all your support and will now try to repay some of that!
I better re-read my “about” page because I could have sworn I wrote that I hate them. I do hate emoticons, but in the name of fairness and love of my readers as well as to all friends and family who may have used them in emails, I don’t really hate them. In the greater scheme of things, they aren’t so bad. Bad writing is worse than emoticons. I think people are just being sweet and cute and nice. I, personally, will only ever use them ironically. I think.
voted you as one of my 15 versatile bloggers here’s the link: http://walkingtallinhisways.blogspot.com/2012/01/vesatile-blogger-award.html
Thanks for stopping by. I have to get on the ball and check out what this vote means! It’s my first. Will pop over soon.
Hi. I just arrived today – I ended up here searching google for a birthday picture for a friend (I didn’t use one from your blog). Of course it turns out, that even as humongous as the virtual world is, you are local to me. Will it turn out we already know each other (or at least have friends in common)? I have tried to find a contact for you, as I have a non-blog question. Please contact me, if you are willing. Thank you. P.S. You’ve created a wonderful blog.
Welcome, Ina! Thanks for stopping by. Local as in Pioneer Valley? I poked around your blog and I was especially impressed with the 100 portraits in 100 days. Not that I could take it all in, but I hope to stop back soon. Yes, maybe we’ve run into each other or have friends in common.
Glad you like my blog. This is always a nice thing to hear.
I’ll write to you and then you can email me back! More wonders of the virtual world. Ciao! Katherine
Hi, why haven’t I found you sooner? I have some catching up to do…
Welcome and thanks for the comment and thanks for following my blog. I’m glad you found me now. I will stop by your blog in a second! Thanks, twinkly
Great to meet you…I was browsing and came upon your blog…very awesome.
Welcome and thanks for stopping by! Good luck with your blog, too!
twinkly
Hey, Twinkly!
After months of no contact and domestic inundation of all kinds I HAD to find your blog again and renew/reestablish my perusal and voyeurism of YOU! I always laugh and relate and, well, what the hell else is a blog for?! Just sending you lots of love and hoping… no, KNOWING, that whatever you submit will be published and adored by many. XOXO April
Hey, April, yes, long time/no hear or see….I assumed this meant things were busy but good for you. TY TY TY for stopping in and reading. I love it! I’ll catch up on FB…XO, Katherine
!Some good news!
Had my 6 month follow up with Dr. Barboi today. He listened to both my Sean’s and my questions, concerns and ideas. He discussed pros and cons to a variety of treatment plan adjustments. He reminded me to not push myself unlike of all the other doctors placing so much of my illness on my shoulders and telling me to buck up and push through the bad days (because I need to understand that everyone has bad days, but they don’t focus on them so if I stop focusing on them I will feel better!!!!). He not only looked over my home recorded Blood pressure, Heart Rate and Oxygen levels, but didn’t scoff at the readings and dismiss them as mistakes or worse made up. He even used the information to adjust one of my medications.
*He asked for time to think about a medication addition after he recommended the medication.* What is amazing about this last interaction: 1) he had an idea 2) he discussed it, gathered more information 3) processed the new information 4) decided he should take some more time and go over the whole picture before making a final recommendation. Instead of just plowing forward and moving me through as gay as possible, he is going to take the time needed to research and find the way to care best for a patient with a complicated condition!!!!!
Ahhhhhhh, to leave a doctor’s appointment and feel taken care of!!!! We are adjusting a few things, researching some possible other changes, will email after we both think about the possible adjustments, see how I respond and adjust more as needed.
Sorry for the long post, but you comprehend how I am feeling after a good doctor’s appoitment. My level of joy would confuse most anyone else.
I didn’t want to leave this on Facebook. I thought your blog would be a good place to express emotions experienced from navigating the health care system and a chronic disease.
Thanks.