In my 50th year, I got a cancer diagnosis
Medical waste. You have no idea. If you’ve spent any time in a hospital, then again, you do.
If the way we live is making us sicker (though through advances in science, we have longer lifespans), we need to change it. We are stuck.
Cars, plastic, disposable everything. Cars, plastic, disposables. Single-use. Not biodegradable. Not safe. Medicines flowing from our bodies into the water supply and into the ground and into everything else.
Did you know you can take your own cups and bottles to take-out or fast food places? Sometimes they will refill your insulated coffee cup. Sometimes they will refill your giant, heavy-duty plastic cup. I have 2 of these and we have 3 thermal, hot beverage cups. Just peer into any garbage can outside of any strip mall in America on a Saturday or Sunday and see if you might not like to try. Have a plan. You can take your own re-usable utensils places; this is harder to remember. You might feel queer. But you might inspire others. You can put paper napkins in your compost. You can put paper bags in the recycling. You can take your own bags for fuck’s sake don’t tell me you still use the store’s plastic bags when you grocery shop. Save that for times you really couldn’t attend to this small commitment. You don’t have to be perfect, but we all have to WAKE UP. Do what you can that’s easy. Baby steps. You can do this. It matters. Oh, and don’t idle your car.
I feel less sad. I had fun yesterday. I was exhausted all day, but I had fun.
I feel a little happy this morning, I’m tired.
I’m self-absorbed. How long?
I feel the light of the universe flowing through me.
I shaved my head because Violet and a friend of hers shaved their heads and I thought FUCK IT, it’s time. I waited so long for a haircut that my hair was unruly and unflattering, but since my hair will fall out from the chemo (Cytoxan) I got yesterday, this was a great option. In about 3 weeks, my hair (what little is left) will fall out. I am not afraid or upset about this. HAIR GROWS BACK.
The problem is my face looks very raggedy to me. That part is harder. Our hair becomes attention, a focus, beauty.
Violet decided to shave off her hair separate from my situation; still it’s kind of strange, but only in my mind in a way that I wonder what other people might think. Do they think she did it for/because of me? She didn’t. Her friend goes through many hair manifestations and so does Violet. Fun. It grows back. Don’t be afraid of changing your hair!
I picture my bones white, so white. Vibrant and healthy. Calm. After all these months of picturing them in this way, not every day, but enough, it is easy to see them this way.
Calming the marrow. Stopping the proliferating rogue cells. That’s a little harder. Let’s have at it. I will have at it.
I slept well last night, but am mildly nauseous (Cytoxan does this). I’m still tired so will probably go back to sleep. It’s morning.
When I say I shaved my head, I don’t mean bald. There’s a nice, soft stubble. It’s soft to run my hand across. You’d like it. It’s a pleasant sensation.
Don’t forget to sing. I forget. My friend who drove me to Boston and stayed with me Thursday night so we could be at Dana Farber at 7 am Friday morning, reminded me to sing, to recite poems we knew from when we were young. Play is not unique to humans, but it is essential for happiness. I’ve been forgetting. That makes me sad; but I have every day of my life to choose to play.
Teenagers play in different ways than when they were little kids. Adults, too. Slowly, we forget unless we are immersed. Stay immersed in play. Do this. Remind me, too.
Love, send healing light whenever you can. Sing. Chant. Drum. Stomp. Recite. Play. Kiss your children and your friends, male and female. Kiss your family. Kiss.
I am greater than this cancer. I am bigger than this cancer. I am bigger than what it or the meds can do to me. I am strong. I am determined to be free of it for good.*
2 mantras:
There is no room in my body for multiple myeloma (or any cancer)
There is only room for healing light and love
Can you see that? I can. Sometimes, and at least more often than before.
*but it scares me to think this. I hope I get better at it. When I can’t pull for myself, I am so incredibly grateful for your help. I know without a shred of doubt that there are hundreds of people pulling for me, some praying, some visualizing, some singing, all sending love and hope. Some helping in the most concrete ways: food, rides, goodies.
I am grateful. Thank you.
Here I am right before the buzz cut. I’m not sure I am brave enough to show you after. In time, when my face is more rested. EVERYTHING shows when you are almost bald!
Bursting with love, Katherine
love and kisses to you all!
Sending Love and LIght. You look gorgeous. Your particular beauty, I have always believed, resides in your beautiful, blue, lit-up eyes. MKP
Thanks, Mary. I’m glad to know you are “here.” Thanks for sending light and love. I love seeing details of your life on FB. College, can you believe it?
Love, Katherine
hi katherine – health care sustainability is what i have been doing for over 20 years. You can write the hospital president and ask about their sustainability plan. It helps when the patient asks. You can learn more at http://www.practicegreenhealth.org. Hospitals generate over 30 pounds of waste per bed per day. Some hospitals are starting to realize that a commitment to health is a commitment to the environment – but we have a long way to go. There are passionate people working on this in every hospital, often at a grass roots level. Sending prayers your way, the sun just came out….. janet
Thanks, Janet. I had no idea that’s what you do. What great work.
Dana Farber has claims (and back-up stats) that they are greening the place, but I see many instances of bad choices.
The cafeteria alone, though not “medical” waste is no different from any other fast-food type place as far as disposables as far as I can see. Yes, some of the food is way better than fast food, at least there’s that.
The medical waste is hard to observe. Syringes, bandages, everything in a discrete package. Gloves. One time use for every little thing. OH MY!
Not trying to go negative here, but yes, I think about it when I’m at DF.
Thanks for the prayers. Katherine
my son has lung cancer. He’ll be 50 next month. Every day I send him love and healing energy , and since there’s no limit to those I’m sending lots to you too.
Welcome Phyllis and thank you for the healing love and energy. I wonder how you found my blog?
Best love and wishes to your son. It seems odd to be 50 and need this from our mothers. I feel like a kid who shouldn’t need such a thing! But my mom is out of commission and can’t help much. She is confused and feeble. It’s very sad. So I reach out to a lot of other people. I send her love and light, too.
Thank you so much, wherever you are.
XO, twinklysparkles
Lovely post, Katherine.
Thanks, Erin. After I reread it a day later, I was surprised at how much more jumbled than I thought at the time I wrote it. Perhaps I’ll have to write more. But it was a good post and felt good to get creative on my blog. Gott sei Dank!
K
Sending love. Your words help me feel my all-too-tenuous connection with you, and I’m pouring whatever I can in your direction
Kate, No worries. I love your work and I haven’t been able to keep up with your blog. Maybe I’ll make a commitment to start again. Your two pieces, framed on my walls, are so wonderful. The one we keep in the bathroom is simply beautiful against the color of the wall there. You should come and see it some day. I love it. Who knows what I’m missing by missing your blog.
Thanks for your kind words and any any any love you send. It’s all good and it is enough. Love, Katherine
I’m sure you don’t need any new commitments right now! Just do what feeds you best xoxox
xoxoxo
Hi, Alison. I am only getting better so I can attend Unbuttoned. Not really the only reason, I have the trillions of cells that make up my own body for instance. I want to live for many reasons.
I love reading you on FB, but I can’t keep up with comments. I’m so glad you are here on the earth and that I can call you a friend. So thrilled about Manu. I had only an iota of doubt, like less than .2% that she wouldn’t come back. Wonderful!
XO, Katherine
plastic is every where
my ecocriticism seminar read a poem called styrofoam this semester
it is all about how plastic is everywhere
it is a great ode to the polymer god we have created
it is a sad elegy for the world we have filled with plastic
the only difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is two weeks
or, however long it take your hair to grow back
not that a buzz cut is a bad haircut
now, your whole family is bald
just used to be the paterfamilias
big blasting heatwaves of love and energy from california
many parts of which are on fire these days
ptd
Blaze on to a safe place, California fires, blaze on to the multple myeloma in my bone marrow and blood and kill it!
Or, just blazing white love to allow my spirit and energy and innate power of my body to heal itself and know what to do to keep this from rising up again when it thinks it can. Let the white light keep me safe and the rogue cells at bay.
Whichever and all that works. I want to live.
Thanks pt. Love twinkly
Your big beautiful blue eyes draw me in every time. Even now, they continue to sparkle!!! Thinking about you often and sending love and light from Arkansas. Wish I could be there for you in person. I love you girlfriend!!!
Thank you Connie. I know you have a good spirit to send things out from. Thank you. I think you must be well and happy all the time down there. It’s a good life, right?
Be well. Thanks for sending. Love Kath
You are radiant, Katherine. Love the photos, and so glad for you to have a time of inner peace and optimism. May it last and deepen and grow. Ditto your healing. Love, Amy
Amy, it’s great to have you read my blog and comment here, but I’m afraid something has shifted for today and I feel cruddy and sad. I won’t go into more detail than that.
Thanks for your positivity and love. I know my peace and optimism will deepen and grow, but I have some hell to go through first.
Love, Katherine
You know I’m sending you nothing but the good stuff, Twink. Everyday.
Hi Alpha. Good to know. I haven’t “seen” you around, but I haven’t been blogging. I read Erin’s blog though.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am grateful. Every day. Wow. That makes me very grateful.
twinkly K
Well, I am bursting with love for you and your gorgeous blue eyes! I cannot tell you how many times a week you come into my mind. I use those moments to beam healing energy. ♥
Thank you Lydia, for letting me know. I am so fortunate to know you.
Sending some love from Massachusetts way over to you!
XO, Katherine