Police Blotter

One of my favorite activities is reading my weekly newspaper’s police blotter.

Each week I can count on a few steady pieces of news: a dozen DUIs (this being a college town), about 95% of which occur after midnight (LESSON: STAY OFF THE ROADS FROM MIDNIGHT TO 4 AM!!!); 2 or 3 drunken brawls that have spilled out of a bar and onto the sidewalk; several excessively loud parties; a mentally-ill, possibly drunk, belligerent man or woman (or 2) who has to be removed from the homeless shelter; also, a bit of shoplifting and a few stolen iPods (often from the drunken parties and bars). As unpleasant as these stories are, with potential deadly results for innocents, they tend to be predictably the same, week after week. What really turns me on are the quirks, turns, and certain, shall we say je ne sais quoi human elements that push a police blotter item into the realm of peculiarity.

Here are the week’s twinkly-worthy items (please note that although location details are provided in the original report, I have omitted them in some cases):

Wednesday, March 9

8:02 pm From the “What the Fuck?” Department

A teenage girl was caught shoplifting a $10 item from the supermarket. When confronted by management, the girl’s mother became argumentative. Both the girl and her mother were issued trespass notices to stay out of the store.

7:55 pm From the book So You Think You Can Farm?

More than a dozen cows were located in the middle of North East Street. The farmer was able to get the animals back into their field. The following day at 5:36 pm, the cows were again seen approaching the road.

Thursday, March 10

12:58 am From Adding Insult to Injury: A Book of Child Rearing

Police kept the peace between a man and a woman who were having an argument over getting a baby to sleep, which caused the infant to cry and disturb the neighbors.

Friday, March 11

7:38 pm From the “Who Me? Waste Your Tax Dollars?” Alliance

A Strong Street resident told police a telemarketer called her home offering a free smoke alarm system.

9:09pm From the “I Will Kick Michael Pollan’s Ass the Next Time I See Him” Guild

Four cows loose in the middle of North East Street were returned to their field by their owner.

Saturday, March 12

9:10 am From the President’s Council on “Writers are Special People”

A woman reported receiving a threatening and harassing email related to an article she wrote for an education publication. Police determined the email sender was just disagreeing with the content of her article and that he didn’t appear to be making a threat.

11:34 pm From the “I Thought ‘Clueless’ Was a Fictional Movie” Club

Police issued a verbal warning to residents playing a loud stereo. The residents agreed to turn it down, though they told police they thought it was OK to turn up the volume on the stereo since their neighbors are all on spring break.